how do i feel?

I don’t know whether to live in the moment or proceed with caution. Is it possible to do both?

What I mean is I’m in a part of my life where I finally feel content for once, and while I know there’s bigger and better opportunities for me, I’m being lazy. That doesn’t mean I’m not looking; it just means that it’s the end of the year, and I am mega tired. Maybe it’ll be a New Year’s Resolution.

Which reminds me, many months ago, probably some time in February, a lady told me that I should probably expect a promotion or career change this year. I asked why, and she responded with “oh I’m a psychic.”

Hah.

Whatever.

I’m feeling a little concerned with the love life as well. But I guess that’s for another time…

wake up and look around

Asking me to play drunk video games with you and a buddy? Asking me to watch a movie that I’ve already seen before together? Responding to text messages with dumb smiley faces? Am I looking way into this? Because, from the looks of it, you sort of like me and are wanting to, well, hang out.

Or maybe you’re just being friendly.

Story of my life.

wake up and sigh

Dear soulmate, wherever and whoever you are,

Please never make me feel like shit, or second-best, or as if I am worthless. If you truly do exist, know that although I may never voice how I feel about you, I truly do feel it and I will make sure you know. You’re the only thing on my mind, ever, and I hope that it’s the same for you. The fact that I’ve gone all in should not make you call, but rather raise the pot. I’ve been hurt too many times but I will never give up.

So, my soulmate, please find me.

Wake up and move on

Or maybe he was?

Maybe he still is?

Well, we can safely say that he definitely was. At some point since I’ve known him, he definitely was. For a long time. And then a girl came along, who was not me, who most probably used her indie-hipster-hometown charms to win him. A mutual friend did tell me that a girl came back home for the holiday season and they were ‘hooking up.’ As hurt as I was, I believed it. But he kept his game on with me. And I obviously reciprocated.

This was last year. One year ago, during the holiday season.

Not until recently did his relationship status change to ‘in a relationship.’ I always knew, I guess. I’ve involuntarily seen pictures of her, pictures of the both of them. There was a night when I called him an asshole, and he said he knew he was and was sorry. He wanted to start over and be friends. I wanted to say this, but I only heard Jason Schwartzman’s character in Hotel Chevalier saying this to Natalie Portman’s character:

“I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.”

I don’t want to be your friend. I care for you so much that I simply cannot be a friend.

Letting go is hard. I’ve let go of you so many times, but you always exist. It’s that unconditional love. You have a piece of my heart, and as much as I hate you, I love you.

The more I think about it, it’s not me that there’s anything wrong with. It’s him.

Move on, kid.

wake up and breathe deep

A lot of shit in my life.

Rather, there’s a lot of stuff on my plate. That imaginary plate that gets filled up because your imaginary parents want you to eat all of that food because it’s good for you.

Too many projects to worry about. Too much to think about. Too much.

One of my friends came out to me the other day and told me that he had a crush on me. I think I broke his heart when I obviously didn’t reciprocate his feelings. I told him to ‘get the fuck over it’ because, well, I suck at things like this. He hasn’t talked to me much since.

I have been telling myself and a few others that I need a new crush. I really do. But I can’t get over him…

I need this semester over and I need a drink. Or several.

Wake up and wonder what’s in our heads

I can’t figure out what’s in your head.

Wake up and smell the memories and the flash backs

What do you do when the boy you like starts talking about how much he looks like Steve Burns, the guy you’ve had a crush on since, well, forever?

Swoon.

Wake up and listen to that voice in your head

It’ll get better. It always gets better. That’s what I keep telling myself.

Too tired to even want to do anything. Spring will fix that, hopefully.

Wake up and smell your alter ego

I’ve been thinking a lot about Fight Club lately, so I decided to watch it tonight. I think the last time I watched it was in my junior year of high school, which was 2004. So damn.

I’m legitimately thinking about doing this. People are interested. All I need is a place and someone with bitch tits.

Wake up and smell the not-so-fresh, cold air

It’s fucking cold. More specifically, it’s fucking cold when I’m in the in-between of sleeping and being awake.

I’ve been looking through my iPhoto library for the past couple of days, and every time I look at photos from Spring, I get butterflies in the tummy and get excited for the Vernal Equinox.